50 Most Savage Marriage Jokes of All Time

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 Seriously, if anyone you know is constipated, send them this article to read while on the John. Side note, to all the Johns out there – How embarrassing is it to know that your name is associated with toilet? Askin’ for a friend.

 Back to business, if this doesn’t help you pooh, well – at least we tried!


A Little Girl:
“One day I will be married, and a lot of men will be very sad.”
A Little Boy:
“Wow, how many men are you gonna marry?”

  1. After arguing, a wife said to her husband, “I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
  2. A fortune teller asks a woman, “So, you came to know your husband’s future?” The wife said, “No, tell me about his past, then I’ll decide his future!”
  3. A Genie tells a man he can have whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double. The man replied, “Give me a million dollars and beat me half to death.”
  4. A Judge asked a woman why she hit her husband with a chair? She replied, “Because the table was too heavy!”
  5. A happy marriage is a matter of give and take. The husband gives, and the wife takes.
  6. A honeymoon is just a holiday a groom takes before getting a new boss.
  7. All marriages are happy, it’s the living together afterward that causes all the problems.
  8. A man got his credit card stolen, when asked why he didn’t report it, he said, “The thief spends less than my wife!”
  9. A man put out an ad reading, “I want a wife.” The following day he got tons of messages saying, “You can have mine!”
  10. A man told his wife, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. Seriously, your mother-in-law is so much better than mine.”
  11. A mans 10 bucks his wife and Uncle Sam don’t know about, is worth more than his 100 bucks they both know about.
  12. A mans marriage is mostly trying to find out what kind of man his wife always wanted.
  13. A new study discovered that women with extra weight live longer than husbands who point it out.
  14. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
  15. At our wedding, the pastor asked all the married men to stand next to the person who’s made their life worth living. The bartender was almost crushed to death.
  16. A wife once told her husband, “If a cruise ship starts sinking, and there’s only one vest, I will miss you, dearly.”
  17. A woman asked her husband, “Do you want dinner?” He asked, “What are my choices?” She replied, “Yes and No.”
  18. Being married is like going to a restaurant and ordering, then wishing you got what your friend ordered instead.
  19. By all means marry; if you get a good spouse, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. — Socrates
  20. How does a man remember his wedding anniversary? He forgets it once.
  21. How to lose any argument with your wife: Argue.
  22. I asked my husband if I looked fat, he said my eyesight improved.
  23. I asked my husband why he doesn’t give the same affection our neighbor gives his wife. He said, “I can’t, she is a stranger.”
  24. I asked my wife to embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
  25. I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She replied, “Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings.” So, I got her nothing.
  26. If your wife is angry and has locked herself in any room in the house. Stay away, for that room is currently the most dangerous place on earth.
  27. I gave my husband the silent-treatment for a week to see how he would react. He said, “Hey, looks like we’ve been getting along pretty well.”
  28. In any argument, the wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that, is just the beginning of a new argument.
  29. I told my wife, “I want to go to Paris.” She said she wanted to come with me. I said, “Nevermind.”
  30. I typed “Married,” but it was auto-corrected to “Martyred.” Damn, smartphones are gaining intelligence.
  31. Losing your wife is tough. Some say it’s nearly impossible. I attest to this fact.
  32. Make love, not war. If you want both love and war, get married!
  33. Marriage is like a roller coaster. It has its ups and downs, but it’s always fun to scream.
  34. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
  35. My husband and I compromise on a lot of things. He admits he’s wrong, and I agree with that.
  36. My husband and I have decided that we don’t want children. If anyone is interested, let us know, and we will bring ours to you.
  37. My husband and I were happy for 23 years, then we met and got married.
  38. My wife asked, “Are you even listening to me?” What a weird way to start a conversation.
  39. My wife is like Wonder Woman. She always wonders where I am, what I’m doing, and who I’m with!
  40. Only after marriage you realize all the marriage jokes were never jokes, but instances from real life.
  41. Scientists have finally found out what a woman wants. Unfortunately, she’s changed her mind since then.
  42. The first year of marriage, the man speaks, the woman listens. The second year, the woman speaks, the man listens. The third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
  43. The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.
  44. They say you are married for better or for worse. He couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse.
  45. To keep your wife happy, when you’re wrong, admit it. When you’re right, shut up!
  46. What’s the difference between love and marriage. Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener.
  47. What’s the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman.
  48. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. When a 10 year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
  49. Women marry men believing they can change. Men marry women thinking they will never change. The coincidence lies in the fact they are both wrong.
  50. Your husband is the only child who ends up not moving out after growing up.

© 2024 Jake Caddel / GotJokes.LA

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