Marriage Jokes
A Little Girl:
“One day I will be married, and a lot of men will be very sad.”
A Little Boy:
“Wow, how many men are you gonna marry?”
- After arguing, a wife said to her husband, “I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
- A fortune teller asks a woman, “So, you came to know your husband’s future?” The wife said, “No, tell me about his past, then I’ll decide his future!”
- A Genie tells a man he can have whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double. The man replied, “Give me a million dollars and beat me half to death.”
- A Judge asked a woman why she hit her husband with a chair? She replied, “Because the table was too heavy!”
- A happy marriage is a matter of give and take. The husband gives, and the wife takes.
- A honeymoon is just a holiday a groom takes before getting a new boss.
- All marriages are happy, it’s the living together afterward that causes all the problems.
- A man got his credit card stolen, when asked why he didn’t report it, he said, “The thief spends less than my wife!”
- A man put out an ad reading, “I want a wife.” The following day he got tons of messages saying, “You can have mine!”
- A man told his wife, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. Seriously, your mother-in-law is so much better than mine.”
- A mans 10 bucks his wife and Uncle Sam don’t know about, is worth more than his 100 bucks they both know about.
- A mans marriage is mostly trying to find out what kind of man his wife always wanted.
- A new study discovered that women with extra weight live longer than husbands who point it out.
- Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
- At our wedding, the pastor asked all the married men to stand next to the person who’s made their life worth living. The bartender was almost crushed to death.
- A wife once told her husband, “If a cruise ship starts sinking, and there’s only one vest, I will miss you, dearly.”
- A woman asked her husband, “Do you want dinner?” He asked, “What are my choices?” She replied, “Yes and No.”
- Being married is like going to a restaurant and ordering, then wishing you got what your friend ordered instead.
- By all means marry; if you get a good spouse, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. — Socrates
- How does a man remember his wedding anniversary? He forgets it once.
- How to lose any argument with your wife: Argue.
- I asked my husband if I looked fat, he said my eyesight improved.
- I asked my husband why he doesn’t give the same affection our neighbor gives his wife. He said, “I can’t, she is a stranger.”
- I asked my wife to embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
- I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She replied, “Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings.” So, I got her nothing.
- I don’t like to interrupt my mother-in-law when she’s talking. Which is why we haven’t spoken in two years.
- If your wife is angry and has locked herself in any room in the house. Stay away, for that room is currently the most dangerous place on earth.
- I gave my husband the silent-treatment for a week to see how he would react. He said, “Hey, looks like we’ve been getting along pretty well.”
- In any argument, the wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that, is just the beginning of a new argument.
- I Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year; not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?
- I told my wife, “I want to go to Paris.” She said she wanted to come with me. I said, “Nevermind.”
- I typed “Married,” but it was auto-corrected to “Martyred.” Damn, smartphones are gaining intelligence.
- Losing your wife is tough. Some say it’s nearly impossible. I attest to this fact.
- Make love, not war. If you want both love and war, get married!
- Marriage is like a roller coaster. It has its ups and downs, but it’s always fun to scream.
- Marriage is like a video game. It starts easy, then gets harder. Eventually, you go online and start looking for hacks.
- Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- My doctor told me I can’t touch anything that contains alcohol, so I divorced my husband.
- My husband and I compromise on a lot of things. He admits he’s wrong, and I agree with that.
- My husband and I have decided that we don’t want children. If anyone is interested, let us know, and we will bring ours to you.
- My husband and I were happy for 23 years, then we met and got married.
- My wife asked, “Are you even listening to me?” What a weird way to start a conversation.
- My wife is like Wonder Woman. She always wonders where I am, what I’m doing, and who I’m with!
- Only after marriage you realize all the marriage jokes were never jokes, but instances from real life.
- Scientists have finally found out what a woman wants. Unfortunately, she’s changed her mind since then.
- The first year of marriage, the man speaks, the woman listens. The second year, the woman speaks, the man listens. The third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
- The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.
- They say you are married for better or for worse. He couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse.
- To keep your wife happy, when you’re wrong, admit it. When you’re right, shut up!
- What’s the difference between love and marriage. Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener.
- What’s the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman.
- When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. When a 10 year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
- Women marry men believing they can change. Men marry women thinking they will never change. The coincidence lies in the fact they are both wrong.
- Your husband is the only child who ends up not moving out after growing up.