Political Jokes

“We don’t approve of political jokes.
We’ve seen too many get elected.”

  1. A robber said, “Give me all your money.” The victim replied, “I’m a U.S. Congressman.” The robber retorted, “Give me all my money!”
  2. Communism was doomed from the beginning. Question is, “How did they miss all the red flags?”
  3. Fines are a tax you pay for doing something wrong. Taxes are a fine you pay for doing something right.
  4. If Chuck Norris were President, he’d protect the Secret Service.
  5. If you’re not part of the solution, then you’re probably running for office.
  6. Politicians can find an excuse to get out of anything. Except office.
  7. Remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year? Now it’s Election night.
  8. The NSA is the only government office that actually listens to you.
  9. The opposite of “pro” is “con,” so the opposite of “progress” is “Congress.”
  10. Two years ago, my brother ran for congress. What’s he do now? Nothing, he won!
  11. Waiting for results on election day is like waiting for grades on a group project. I know I did my part, I’m worried the rest of you screwed up.
  12. We were taught as children, America is great because anyone can become President. Now that I’m an adult, it gives me nightmares.
  13. What do you call laws against cheating, lying, and stealing? A government crackdown on competition.
  14. What’s the best way to stop repeat criminals? Stop re-electing them.
  15. What’s the most accurate American statistic? 100% of Americans think 50% have lost their damn minds!
  16. Why are Russians confused about America’s election results taking so long? Because Russians know their results months in advance.
  17. Why don’t muggers target IRS agents? A professional courtesy.